How to break up with someone the right way

Breakups are rough and tough. If you’re staring at an impending separation in the face, you have our greatest sympathies. And if you are facing an inevitable end to what was once a source of joy in your life, chances are that you’re wondering just how to go about it.

If you’ve been with your other half for years and are currently cohabiting, the breakup is going to need some serious consideration. If you’ve been dating for a couple of months, that’s almost harder: you don’t know each other as well, so you aren’t able to speak as openly. We know this can be tricky terrain to navigate, so we’ve put together a handy guide on this much-feared area of relationships: to ensure that – whatever happens – you navigate it in the most respectful way possible.

It’s a pretty universal rule for life, really – kindness and empathy should be two qualities that every gent prioritises above all else, at all times. It doesn’t matter whether the other person can see it coming or not; it doesn’t matter whether the breakup is mutual; it doesn’t matter if your other half has treated you terribly throughout the whole relationship. Be level headed, calm, collected. Do some breathwork before the talk, perhaps – to help, we have a guide to follow.

We’re not saying it’s easy. The other person might be angry; they might be upset; they might lash out at you due to injured pride, hurt feelings and a state of shock. But throughout, remain considerate. Main things to avoid: don’t tell them everything you don’t like about them, or everything they did wrong in the relationship. We suggest doing a few practice-runs with a friend who isn’t too close to the situation – that way, they can provide some fairly impartial feedback.

Of course, it’s all very well saying ‘be kind’; but we understand that something more specific may be useful if you’re wondering how, exactly, to break someone’s heart in a ‘kind’ way. So, we’ll start with the intent behind the breakup.

Are you sure, without any shadow of a doubt, that this is something you really want? Have you given the matter the thought and consideration it requires? Because there’s no use in breaking someone’s heart and then deciding the next day that you don’t actually want to split up after all. That’s when the mixed messaging and confusion starts. There’s nothing kind about indecision.

Okay, so having established that you absolutely, definitely, unequivocally want to break up, do the gentlemanly thing by doing it in person. Do not give into the WhatsApp breakup.

And, if the circumstances don’t allow, whatever the reason, a phone call is just about acceptable.

This is a fairly crucial one. It’s completely understandable to want to put off a breakup; as we’ve established, they’re incredibly grim. But if you catch yourself making excuses as to why it’s the ‘wrong time’, or the ‘wrong setting’, grit your teeth and do it. (Of course, doing it just before a seven-course meal is pretty bad form… but we assume you know that…)

There’s no ‘good time’ to break up with someone. Once you start thinking about it like that, you’ll find reasons every single day for why it’s ‘not the right time’. The sooner you can do it, the better – otherwise, you’re just stringing someone along. We find that doing it in a neutral location – say a café – early in the week is a failsafe formula.

We’ve already said that it’s not kind to list everything you don’t like about your other half when you’re leaving them, and we stand by that. But you do need to explain why, exactly, you want this relationship to end. Saying, ‘I just don’t see it going any further’, won’t cut it in many cases; the other party will (understandably) want to know why, especially if you’ve previously professed unbreakable love for each other. Try to establish exactly why you want the relationship to end, and then translate that to the other person in the most compassionate way possible.

Questions/points to consider: are your values different? Do you want the same things? Do you enjoy the same things? Do your schedules align? Of course, it may be that your romantic feelings have just dissipated over time, and that’s a perfectly acceptable thing to feel, so long as you don’t try to imply that it’s their fault. Because (spoiler): it’s not.

Instead of saying ‘you are being too [insert criticism]’, we like to use ‘I find it tough at times when…’ as the emphasis is more on you, and less of a blame game.

Don’t make contact after you’ve broken up. You need to give your (ex-) partner time and space, and you definitely don’t want to inadvertently make them think there’s a chance you might want to get back together. That’ll just mess with their head. Everything there was to say should have been said at the time.

And be considerate in the weeks that follow. If you happen to meet someone new, we’d advise thinking twice before splashing that new relationship all over social media. If you’ve both been invited to the same party and you know it would upset them to see you there, it might be best to not attend that particular do.

We know: it can be brutal. But that’s why kindness and consideration are such highly valued qualities: they’re often not easy to display. It’s so much easier to put yourself first.

But trust us when we say that doing the hard thing will often be the right thing.

Want more etiquette tips? Read our A-Z of being a modern-day gent…

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